Why do some people seem to get everything they want in the way of romantic intimacy, while others can’t get even what they need? Being sexually successful is not a matter of how you look, how old you are or how much you earn. Its more about your attitude, manners, and social skills.
Here are 10 commonsense tips on negotiating your way to great romantic intimacy.
1. First impressions count. Look and act your best. This isn’t the time to beat yourself up about your imperfections or to take out your frustrations with the world. This is the time to let a partner know that you are ready and able to have a fun time.
2. Pay attention. Take a few minutes to absorb some information about your potential partner. Get a sense of the kind of person she or he is – shy or aggressive? Extroverted, or reserved? Then fine-tune your approach to him or her. People aren’t interchangeable, so don’t treat everyone exactly the same way.
3. Be complimentary. Find something about the person that you like. Does he or she have nice hair or lovely eyes? A great figure or beautiful hands? Are they spiritual? Intelligent? Funny? Learning to appreciate people’s qualities, and letting them know you do, is key to success in your romantic endeavors.
4. Leave the negativity at home. The kiss of death is when you bring tired old baggage into play. Romantic intimacy is about pleasure, fun, relaxation, healing, and connecting with another human being. Don’t talk about your bad relationships or gas prices, bar fights or work frustrations. Focus on the good times you can have with this person, and not the bad times you’ve had with others.
5. Flirt. A whole book could be written on the subject but suffice to say that flirting puts people in a good mood and warms them up sexually. Flirting includes paying compliments (see #3); making teasing comments or light-hearted jokes; talking about fantasies or things you’d like to do together. It does NOT include demeaning jokes, insults, or obscene language.
6. Ask for what you want. Asking doesn’t guarantee you’ll get it, but it certainly improves your chances! Show or tell your lover what things excite you the most. If your partner needs some convincing, take baby steps towards your ultimate goal.
7. Control yourself. The difference between immature romantic intimacy and adult romantic intimacy is that adults learn to control their impulses. Unfortunately, way too many adults keep acting sex-crazed and immature long after it is acceptable or attractive. Sexual excitement is no excuse for trying to force someone to do things that make them uncomfortable. When a chathost says "no" to something, accept the limit gracefully and move on to something else. Rude or abusive behavior will be reported.
8. Don’t confuse fantasy with reality. You meet an incredibly desirable person and, in your mind, you just know you’d have mind-blowing romantic intimacy together. You are lucky if you do! So don’t ruin your chances with them by assuming that YOUR fantasy obligates THEM to fulfill it. Instead, feel them out – are they getting the same vibes? Does your idea turn them on as much as it does you? Talk it over before trying to talk them into it.
9. Set limits on both sides and stick to them. Communicate clearly about what you like and dislike, what words/fantasies are exciting and which ones are not. Remember that what is hot to one person could be like a cold shower to another. If your partner lets you know that he or she doesn’t want to act out a particular fantasy or engage in a particular act, don’t try to force them into it. You can always find someone else who is more compatible with you and will be delighted to indulge you.
10. Be polite. Some of the sexiest words in any language are "Please," "thank you," and "you’re welcome." No matter how raunchy the situation, politeness shows that you respect your partners and value their company, and it makes you look classy. Your positive energy will make them trust you more and grow more open to trying new and exciting things with you.
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