It’s common wisdom that the brain is the most potent sex organ in the body. However, when we say "brain" we usually mean our deliciously dirty minds, filled with salacious dreams, alluring fantasies and forbidden thoughts. The question of distinguishing between brain and mind is one that philosophers have been struggling with for centuries. Now, science is coming to terms with this odd couple, suggesting that mind and brain are one – at least in some respects. New studies tell us that our conscious perceptions are highly dependent upon the chemical secretions pumping night and day within our grey matter, while the output of our hard working neural factory depends on the kind of stimulation we give it. In other words: neuro-chemistry, human actions, and human perceptions are wholly interdependent. It seems that when Grace Slick crooned "feed your head" she could have been singing about the drug-like affects of novel activity instead of mushrooms or acid.
Let’s consider what brain science has to do with your relationship, and even more specifically, with keeping it fresh and thriving. Based on what we know about the brain/mind connection, the trick is to feed your brain sumptuous portions of startle; to saturate it with the va-va-voom of variety. Even though your heart may yearn for consistency, your brain circuits demand unpredictability. They don’t share the heart’s longing for companionable familiarity, and they won’t secrete strong chemicals of desire just because your mate takes out the garbage or whips up an omelet as reliably as the dawn breaks. No, your brain thirsts for challenges, and to keep it fired up over a long-term partner, you need to occasionally rock that little devil out of its complacency.
This idea is certainly not a new concept – though it is finally gaining scientific credibility. Over a thousand years ago, the Roman poet Ovid (who was exiled from his home for his scandalous ideas) wrote that if a man wants to seduce a woman, he should take her to the Colosseum to watch the doomed gladiators defy their fate. He knew intuitively that the rapid heartbeat and the giddy breathlessness of a lady’s intense physiological arousal could turn into lust, and her companion could just as likely become her object of desire.
Fast forward to today’s laboratories where researchers are using fMRI to show how the brain responds to different types of stimulation. For instance, Swiss neurobiologists at University College London, showed subjects photos of their new heartthrobs and Voila! – certain brain areas lit up like bonfires while others showed minimal activity. Interestingly, the bright spots all played a role in regulating the neurotransmitter dopamine, which is the chemical of reward, and what neuroscientist Jakk Panskepp considers the key ingredient in the "seeking system" – (one of seven different emotional operating brain systems) – which drives us toward challenges, exploration and discovery. In contrast, the brain centers that appeared dim (inactive) in this study are those that usually glow bright in depressed folks. These results help us understand why love often acts as an antidepressant, at the same time begging the question of whether medications that treat the blues also inhibit the very brain activity that makes us feel romantic.
Looking at the issue of novelty and sexual enhancement from another vantage point, we can see how unique stimulation leads to sexual potency – quite literally – in studies that assess sperm activity. If you’ve been paying attention to the new articles that Love and Health posts each month, youll remember that in February 2005 Dr. June Reinisch described research in which men masturbated with and without using erotic video images. When masturbating to the images, the men felt greater sexual satisfaction and produced more vigorous, healthy sperm than they did in the absence of video aids. Even men whose sperm had previously been found inadequate for conception were able to ejaculate more virile sperm after exposure to sexy visuals. If this kind of novelty enhances potency on so basic a micro-biological level, then is it any surprise that it also impacts us on the macro-relational level?
All this is fascinating, but how do you factually feed the brain novelty without going outside your relationship? For starters, you could have a look at some of the fun suggestions I made for spicing up your love life in a previous article, Spicing Up Your Sex Life. But for a more direct pump of adrenaline, consider these ideas:
- Dare and Scare: Desire for each other peaks when you share scary activities together. It doesn’t matter whether that means riding a rollercoaster, going to a gruesome horror flick, rappelling off the side of a cliff, or having sex in an alley behind the trendiest night club in town. Whatever gives you chills together, gives you thrills together! At least for a little while, your relationship will feel brand new.
- Tango or Tantra: You needn’t scare yourself to death if your tolerance for risk is generally low. Doing something challenging enough to create mild anxiety works, too. Pushing the envelope just a little will have the same neurochemical impact on you as reaching into the stratosphere will have on more risk-ready folks. A great place to start is with classes that make you wander outside your comfort zone. Lessons in tango, Tantra or Thai will do the trick so long as you do your homework in tandem.
- Green Eyes (not red eyes): Don’t tell anyone I said this, but stirring up a little jealousy – just a smidgen – can bring back the flush of newness that makes our brains say, "Yes!" The same goes for the occasional shouting match. However, seriously threatening a relationship, or frequently inspiring jealousy, will have the opposite effect. While you can turn a momentary tummy flip into bout of passionate relief, and a fervent argument into a make-up session once in a while, the line between excitement and danger is as fine as the floss of a spider’s web. Make sure you don’t weave a pattern that you’ll regret.
Good relationships and long-lasting loves are by no means all about excitement. We all desire a cuddly and understanding port in the storm of life. Yet, a "forever new" relationship is one that relishes the occasional bolt of lighting and makes sure that the now-and-then crash of thunder only enhances love’s pleasures.
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