Staying together for the sake of not being alone is worse than breaking up in the long run. Still, even so-called mutual breakups are guaranteed to be emotionally charged, since one party is always seeking the end result more actively.
Decorum flies right out the window. How can you realistically apply protocol when you feel like throwing a vase at someone's head or telling a former lover that you were always just pretending to laugh at his stupid jokes? It's hard, but you can do your best by remaining calm and holding your head high, even when all you want to do is make practical use of all those kickboxing classes.
Setting the mood for breaking up is very important. You want to make sure your soon-to-be ex has the time and space to process what's happening. And you also want to make sure this happens in the proper place and at the proper time.
Location
• Don't break up in a place that has/had special meaning for you as a couple.
• Don't break up in your favorite cafe, restaurant, bar, or park.
• Breaking up while a song or band you like is playing is not recommended (it will ruin the song for you forever).
• Don't break up in a public place where the dumped will feel inhibited from reacting too loudly or messily.
• Breaking up in a private or semiprivate place where you both feel safe could be useful. Your place or his place is fine—just so long as you keep the meeting to a neutral venue: the couch in the living room, not the futon in the bedroom.
• Above all, breaking up over a dinner out is very dangerous—this prolongs the misery if you break up over the appetizer or entree and have to wait till your check arrives in order to leave.
Timing
• Breaking up on a Friday night or Saturday morning could be useful, to give your ex time for his eyes to de-puff before he has to report to work or school on Monday.
• Don't break up in the middle of a workday.
• It’s rude breaking up during an intensely stressful time in your dumpee's life (relative just died, dumpee just quit smoking, etc.).
• Don't announce that you're breaking up while your partner asleep—if he can't hear you, it doesn't count.
Once you've secured the time and place, you'll need to figure out how to say that you want to end it. This is one of the hardest conversations to initiate, and you may need to practice in the mirror or with a friend a few times to rehearse how it's going to go.
How to Announce
• Don't beat around the bush. Lay the groundwork from the get-go. When you're setting up the meeting, indicate its gravity. Say, "We need to talk."
• When the time arrives, get right to the point. No amount of small talk is going to ease the situation, and any small talk that you do employ may be picked apart later during play-by-play post-breakup analysis with friends.
• Open the conversation by asking the dumped-to-be what he thinks: "How do you think things are going with us?"
• Agree with the positives that he brings up—"I agree that cooking dinner together last Sunday was fun."
• Now, introduce your doubt: "I just don't know if that's enough to keep this relationship going."
• Segue to the breakup statement. Don't resort to cliché. Show some respect for your time together by employing some creativity, or at least by citing some specifics.
• Sit tight until the dumped has digested, reacted, expressed rage, sadness, and disappointment, questioned your logic, and has either pushed you out the door or told you to leave (or stomped out of your place, if you've chosen your home turf as the venue). It's your duty to remain present while the news is sinking in and to be available afterward in case the dumped wishes to further discuss the breakup. (This rule has a statute of limitations of one month for every year you were in a long-term relationship.)
Jodie Brittain is the CEO of Australian Online Dating site, Slinky - the Aussie-only Online Dating Service for men and women looking for friends and relationships. Join Slinky Online Dating for Free!
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