Love is love is love...right?
Or are we just being politically correct by saying "it doesn’t matter who you love, it’s all the same"?
Regardless of one’s sexual orientation, behaviors, and identity, there are positive and negative aspects of being in a relationship that are universal. At the same time, however, love relationships between people of the same sex have certain unique issues and considerations – particularly when it has to do with falling in love or having sex with someone of the same sex for the first time.
For anyone, falling in love for the first time can be an intense, wonderful, scary, vulnerable, whirlwind experience. For someone who identifies as lesbian, gay, or bisexual (who is with a same-sex partner), these powerful feelings can be combined with some other equally powerful ones. Let’s start with the down side first:
- Guilt. Even with the progress that has been made over the years toward greater acceptance of lesbian, gay, and bisexual people, negative messages still pervade most cultures. A gay, lesbian, or bisexual person who has been told over and over again that same-sex relationships are wrong; that anyone who is not heterosexual is "an abomination," and so on, may feel a great deal of guilt once she or he actually pursues a relationship with someone of the same sex. This can either keep the person from following through on the relationship, or create issues within the relationship. With a loving, supportive partner – and some professional support – people can work to move past this guilt and to enjoy their relationship(s) to the fullest.
- Fear. For lesbian, gay, and bisexual people whose relationships are not public knowledge, the fear of being "discovered" and how and whether that discovery might affect their personal and/or professional lives can be massive. Fear of not being accepted by one’s family and friends is one significant reason why many people say they stayed closeted for so long. There is also the fear of not finding someone – and although this is certainly shared by many heterosexual individuals, the selection pool for lesbian, gay, and bisexual individuals is a bit smaller and carries the accompanying risk that the person to whom one is attracted may not reciprocate the feelings of attraction and/or love. In some cases, especially for a man who is interested in a relationship with another man, there are safety considerations in pursuing a relationship with someone whose sexual orientation may be unclear or unknown.
Individuals and couples can work to face their fears by slowly coming out to one or more people in their lives in situations they determine to be lower risk (an uncle with whom one is particularly close, for example, before one’s parent). Coming out is, however, a very individual, personal process. No one should tell another person when it is and is not right for that person to come out. At the same time, however, much of the fear surrounding being closeted is of the unknown. Once one person knows, and then another, and then another – the secret is out of the proverbial bag, so that the fear can feel much less overwhelming and the idea of living one’s life openly and honestly can feel much more feasible.
There are also some POSITIVE feelings that people in same-sex relationships can experience, including:
- Excitement. Many lesbian, gay, and bisexual people who have been "in the closet" for much of their lives have already had feelings of love for people of the same sex; they just have not felt that they could express these feelings openly. As a result, the first time they actually express this love – AND the first time it is reciprocated – can be particularly powerful. In love relationships that include sexual behaviors, the feelings of intimacy and vulnerability are often multiplied, as they can be for people in different-sex relationships. These emotions can be exhilarating to some and overwhelming to others. In addition, some people who are NOT out of the closet and engage in same-sex relationships and/or sexual behaviors may experience some excitement from knowing that their relationship would be considered taboo by people in their lives.
- A sense of freedom. Again, if someone has been in the closet for a long time and then finally allows him- or herself to be who they are, the feelings of relief and comfort are often significant. A comparison I use is that being lesbian, gay or bisexual but trying to pass as heterosexual is like having a size 7 foot and walking around all the time wearing a size 6. Sure, you can do it – the shoes may even look great – but it is pretty uncomfortable, and can even be painful. But once you put on those size 7s, the relief is quite palpable – the sense is, "So, this is what this was supposed to feel like all this time!"
In the end, yes, love is love – but the stuff that rotates madly around any love or sexual relationship, the messages, expectations, and potential consequences of being open and honest has some multidimensional layers for people in same-sex relationships. Lots of support is available, however, whether through close friends and family, a professional counselor or therapist, a support group, or online resources.
Sometimes, just the knowledge that one is not alone is enough to help that person realize that relationship challenges are challenges we all face – and that IS possible to find a love or sexual partner, regardless of sexual orientation or identity.
Slinky Dating Australia
