When all we have to go on are words on a computer screen, it's easy to convince ourselves that the person we're corresponding with is sincere, kind, and likeminded—and just the kind of person with whom we'd like to share our most personal thoughts.
Experts call this common phenomenon "transference" and explain it as the tendency to project one's own expectations, hopes, and fears—born either from past relationships or from one's romantic ideals—onto another person.
To keep yourself in check, follow these dating dos and don’ts during the beginning of an e-mail correspondence.
• Reread your message before hitting "send."
• Ask yourself after each sentence, "Would I say this to someone I'd just met in the flesh?"
• If you're unsure, say it out loud. Does it sound natural coming out of your mouth, or does it make you blush and/or feel queasy?
• Pace yourself. Limit your e-mail exchanges to once a day at the most during the first week to tamp down the premature intimacy factor.
• Move on to a phone call after a week or two. Talking on the phone will reinforce the fact that this is a real person: and essentially a stranger.
In his third e-mail he recounts the reasons he and his three ex-girlfriends called it quits. In his fourth, he confesses to a fetish for big toes and says how much he'd like to draw you a hot bath and give your big toes a soapy rub-down. You feel that this is way too soon to be sharing this kind of information, but you liked his profile and his first two e-mails, and you'd like to give this a shot. How should you correct his pacing faux pas?
• In your reply, ignore the too-personal information he's introduced.
• Reset the tone to Neutral by asking some tame, low-intensity, getting-to-know-you questions, such as "What are your Oscar picks this year?"
• If he continues to share classified information, you need to address the problem head-on. Write, "I do want to learn more about you, but why don't we start with some less intense stuff, like telling each other which books we consider a waste of library space and whether we're dog people or cat people?"
• Another tactic is to let a day or two go by before you reply. Slowing the pace will indicate that in general you'd like to proceed at a slower tempo.
• If he doesn't get the hint after one to two more exchanges, you may want to chalk this one up to experience and let him know that this isn't a good match.
Jodie Brittain is the CEO of Australian Internet Dating website, Slinky Dating Australia - the Aussie-only Online Dating site for men and women looking for friends or serious relationships. Join Slinky Online Dating for Free!
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